Joanne the Coach

For the Writers Amongst You

Couple of competitions you might want to honour with your literary masterpieces. Cinnamon Press currently has opportunities for poetry, short stories and novels. Full details are here.

And for writers with an Irish connection (submission criteria is pretty loose), BBC Northern Ireland is looking for submissions here for the Tony Doyle Bursary for New Writing.

Don't think I'll have time to enter, am furiously busy with the musical of my life story, which is now in production. Russell Brand is after the lead role, but I told him he'd have to fight Bella Emberg for it.

Journalism, But Not As We Know It

No, I'm not talking about Jan Moir (though I must say her Twitter feed is an exemplary exercise in brittleness. That's right Jan, insult your audience and boast about your salary, dig! dig! dig!)

Instead we ask: when is a journalism job not a journalism job? Why, when it's a beatblogger job, of course. The Guardian is looking for people to write about their local area, using a mixture of online reporting and commentary. And iambic pentameter. Oh hang on, turns out it's not that sort of beat. Sarah Hartley explains more about the project here.

So it's a job combining ye olde journalism skills with tres moderne blogstar skills. Probably pays a bit more than usual, since they're asking for more than usual - that's right, innit?

The Guardian is currently recruiting BB-ers in Leeds, Cardiff and Edinburgh - more details and how to apply here. Closing date: 8th November.

How to Leave Your TV Job

Yesterday I went to the House of Commons. In honour of the occasion I left my balaclava and dirty Belfast accent at home. Surprisingly, on the way in, they gave us a little noose to wear. I know some people find politics depressing, but even so, that's a pretty negative way to get started, don't you think? Turned out the noose was just to hang your security pass off, and not for ease of offing yourself. Phew.

Speaking of making your exit, here's an interesting article written by Barry Shaverin, TV producer turned legal eagle, all about how to quit your job in TV and do something less ridiculous instead. Though the thing about leaving media is that it doesn't always leave you quite so easily. So I am counting the seconds till Mr Shaverin has a programme in deveopment about legal eagles. The Truth About Law...Dawn Porter Does Law...Big Brother's Legal Advisor: Big Barrister. You know it's coming Baz, don't fight it.

The Mummy Bloggers, the PRs and Working for Chips

One of the regular features I write for ParentDish is a roundup of the week's best parent blog posts. It's been a fascinating introduction to that whole world. Lately, there's been a row grumbling along concerning the way PRs have been circling the mummy blogs, looking for fresh meat.

In a nutshell, what's been happening is that the UK parent blogging scene has expanded enormously over the last year. More blogs, more readers, more word of mouth buzz. And now, more approaches from PRs, who've been sending press releases, offering products for review or incentives to blog about their products. Some mummy bloggers even got a free trip to Disneyland (being further down the blogchain, I got a trip to Butlins instead).

But for every clever PR bunny, there are many with hearts of cloth and brains of fluff. So you'll get nappies and baby food offered to reviewers whose youngest is six, and 'flavoured lubes' offered to someone who is innocent as they day is long (Me). When I get inappropriate press releases, I delete them. But Mummy Bloggers take a much more visible approach. Attempt to reel in a blogger in a patronising manner and they might well react like this.

The impression being given is that some PRs really do think that mummy bloggers are just silly little housewives, grateful for attention and ready to fall for any old flannel. They aren't, you know. When you send an email saying "love your blog", it's perfectly obvious when you haven't read it.

This latest PR request, I think, sets a new low (though I suspect there's deeper to fall). A manufacturer of potato products is running a campaign to educate kids about food (mainly potatoes). They are offering the first 15 bloggers to write about this campaign a whole - count 'em - £20 in vouchers for their potato products.

So your mission, should you choose to accept it - is blogging for chips.

Reminds me of the time I was walking down Oxford Street with my daughter, and we happened upon some male models clad only in pants. Daughter wondered why they were doing this, and I explained that it was their job, and they probably raked in a lot of money for shivering in their undercrackers on London's busiest street. With her best nine year old wisdom, she replied "Yes, but how much for their dignity?".

I think PRs need to wind their necks in a bit and be aware that all this gushing forth towards the mummy bloggers may well come back and bite them on the bum. And mummy bloggers need to be very careful about what they agree to do. Don't blog for chips, you're better than that.

Want to be on TV? You Sure About That?

I think there must be something in the gin over at TV Towers. Given that many of my coaching clients are looking to raise their profile in the media world, I've always got my eyes open for opportunities to pass on to them. But lately I've been rubbing my eyes in disbelief because some of the requests are just plain..odd. And I have a high capacity for odd. Take your pick from

• The BBC programme that's looking for people obsessed with vampires. Only those with own coffin need apply.
• Also from the BBC, the self-explanatory Famous, Rich and Jobless.
• Equally self-explanatory is new show Move Like Michael Jackson. I assume they mean when he was alive. I can't imagine his current movements would make for very compelling TV.
• Ethnic Plastic Surgery on Channel Four sounds frankly terrifying. Keeping well away from that one in case they try to laser off my rosy Irish cheeks.
• Another programme wants to know if your children see spirits. Well, yes they do, but they always know to get cider when I send them down the off licence.
• But winner of the award for oddest show that's currently looking for punters has to be the documentary on cross-species nurturing. Or to translate into plain English - they're looking for anyone who's breastfed a pig. Or a cat, horse, donkey or wildebeast. They're not fussy, just as long as you've breastfed an animal of some description. Nice to know factual television is still in pursuit of The Issues That Matter.